You don’t need to do anything as dramatic as calling off your wedding. Instead, you should consider postponing the date, which will give you a period of necessary reflection. ‘Simply say that it is all happening too fast and you need more time to prepare yourself,’ says Dr Cecilia d’Felice. ‘This will buy you some time so you can recalibrate without going through the drama of explaining what may just be a red herring.’
Every good marriage is a compromise. ‘You sacrifice things such as independence and sexual freedom, and get security, companionship and a set of in-laws in return,’ says James McConnachie. ‘But only you will know whether the trade-off is worth it.
‘But let’s ask bigger questions: could you grow old with him? Is this man the right father for your children? At 34 your fertility isn’t what it was, so forget about the wedding – weddings pass – and consider these far more crucial facts and decisions.’
Dr d’Felice suggests a few weeks of travel, preferably on your own, so you can see your life from a healthy perspective and identify what you do and don’t want.
‘You may not want children or this “nice, safe life”. Or perhaps you don’t want it yet. You may have some adventures in you first that you need to explore before you are ready to settle down,’ she says. ‘Either way, you need a reprieve from the treadmill that organising a wedding can become. Which, if your heart isn’t in it, will just feel like a panic-inducing torture, not the joyful occasion it is meant to be.’
Once you’ve had some time to think, then you should talk to your partner, says McConnachie. ‘It’s your duty to tell him how you feel and it is unfair to ask him to make a very serious vow while deceiving him about how you feel.’
But whatever you do, don’t get married to keep other people happy, says Rupert Smith. ‘Fast-forward five years and imagine the worst-case scenario. You’ve had children and you stay married for their sake. Why did you do it? Because you didn’t want to upset his family, you’d bought the dress and chosen the venue and it was too late to turn back. And you were afraid of being single.’
So don’t be hard on yourself and don’t feel guilty. And certainly don’t make a massive public commitment that leaves you hyperventilating in the corner while everyone else drinks your health in champagne.
@jaibee000 You don’t even mention love so what are you thinking? Be brave, start again and focus on love not the lifestyle!
@AnneJirsch If you truly love someone you overlook their moods and shortcomings. You have alarm bells ringing – listen to them.
@karlknight79 I suggest you simply both sit down and talk and ask each other how u feel and what u want.